Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")

And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But Of course, certain, let's have Yet another position where by American men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present All people a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially Trump Tower Damascus referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.

"It is not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features

Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Handle established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"

The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Forever."

A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"

The undertaking is now attracting consideration from international traders, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even include:

A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War

Remark Section Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."

Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:

China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:

"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."